Barney And The Hooker
One day in the cul-de-sac, Ed and Eddy were busy assaulting an innocent tree for their next dubious scam, until Barney showed up with his shoulders hanging. "Hiya Barney, why the long arms?" Ed asked. "How'd your date go?" Eddy followed. "Date?" "Yeah, we weren't getting along.." Barney replied, "We called it off." "That's too bad, bud. But don't give up, you know you're a catch!" Eddy winked. "I won't and I know! Already have a new contender!" "Yay!" Ed cheered. "Woa, that's fast! Then why'd ya show up, shoulders slumped, fool?!" "I just met her, she was standing in an alley outside the restaurant.. She's really cute, and I want to ask her out, but, you know.." "I don't!" Ed replied. "She lives around here, m-maybe you guys wanna meet her and tell me what you think?" "Um.." Eddy began, "..Sure, bring her over, if she wants, we'll see if she's Barney-worthy." He disappeared for a while, then returned with a familiar-looking girl, leaving both Eds in shock. "MARIE KANKER, WHAT?!" Eddy yelled. "You know her?" Barney asked, "Oh no.. you didn't used to date, did you?" "Heh!" Marie cackled, "No way, baby!" "You and your stupid sisters were all over us, though!" Eddy growled, "What do you and your dirty mouth want from Barney?" "Gasp, rude!" she smiled. The face didn't match the words. "Hey, woa, Eddy! This is a lady!" Barney scolded him. "That's a Kanker!" Ed shouted. "Yeah, and also a hooker!" Eddy added, "Don't you see how she's dressed!" "That's today's fashion, Eddy!" Barney rebutted. "That's true." Ed said. "I didn't ask her to come over so you guys can call her a skank in her face! I don't know what your history is with each other, but it has nothing to do with me!" "Barney! She's a LITERAL ho! Everyone knows this!" Eddy hissed, "What're you even doing with this poor guy, Marie!" "He's my new cutie-pie, what else!" she replied, "Can't a gal have a new cutie-pie, or is she supposed to cry and obsess over the same man forever, like two certain someones standing in front of her?" "As if you were ever serious about Double D!" "I wuzz!" she sobbed unconvincingly, "I tried to fill the hole in my little heart after he chose Nazz.. and died. What's wrong with that..?" "There you have it!" Barney decided, "We all make mistakes when we're emotional and we shouldn't keep bringing up the past if we want people to change!" "I've seen her messing around with strangers, like, last week!" Eddy said, while clenching his teeth. "And now it's over!" Marie insisted, "..As long cutie-pie here wants to give 'us' a shot?" "O-Of course!" cutie-pie replied. It worried Eddy how eagerly Barney wanted a girlfriend, even till the point of accepting an obvious prostitute as one. Marie was making good use of his desperation, but why? Eddy wasn't convinced she really loved him, she wasn't the kind of person who cared to stay loyal to one man. This trait made her self-appointed job as a hooker very easy for her. It didn't please anyone else in Peach Creek.. Some time passed and Barney kept telling them about his dates with her. Ed and Eddy really didn't care to know, it only reminded them of the fact he was still dating this train wreck. There couldn't be a happy ending waiting for him as long they stayed together. "We had such a good time last night, she's the sweetest girl I've ever met!" Barney said, "Marie always has the cutest nicknames for me!" "Right.." Eddy scoffed, "Listen, you know me and Ed wouldn't make stuff up-" "You make up stuff all the time." "-so, knowing what we told ya, are you sure you wanna go further with her? She's gonna break your heart." "She's gonna go to jail." Ed said. "Jail?" Eddy pondered, "Ed, sleeping around is nasty, but not illegal..?" "No, look." Ed clarified and pointed to a police officer exiting the forest leading to the trailer park, dragging along Marie Kanker to his car. "Hey!" Barney shouted, "What are you doing with my almost-girlfriend!" "Please don't interfere with an officer on duty!" the cop replied, "This young lady was selling her body, and prostitution is not allowed." "Says who!" "The law! Now step aside!" Barney watched her getting seated inside the car and disappear out of sight. Ed and Eddy then joined him on the now empty street. "..You're not telling me you knew what she was doing this whole time?" Eddy asked. "I'm not sure what I knew." he replied, "Just that I wanted her as my girlfriend." "You dodged a bullet!" "You never know where people are going to end up in the future, Eddy. We could've been a happily married couple." "Yuck!" "..I'm sad I wasn't enough for her. I hoped she'd stop her, um.. business if she hung out with me. Maybe she'll get to meet someone who'll change her." "In prison? Good luck!" "Yeah, Marie, my cutie-pie. Good luck.." The End Category:Fan-Fiction Category:Fanfiction Category:Fan-Fiction Episodes